Jennifer's My Turn essay in the January 22, 2007 issue of Newsweek Magazine created a firestorm. Below are some of the responses we received.

Hey, you've made a difference here.

I was browsing through the magazine while waiting my turn at the dentist and found your essay. It struck a chord that made my heart race and my hands shake. You see, my family has been grieving my father's death for months now and your article resonated so well with some of the feelings we've been feeling. I had to print it out for my mother, who had endured many years of unhappiness with my father. On the outside, it seemed they had the perfect marriage, with very successful children. But it was a mess on the inside: his affairs, his mismanagement of finances, his verbal abuse. In the end, he committed suicide and left a note blaming my mother.

When I read your article and told her about it, she just poured out her heart about the sense of relief that underlies all her grief and how she's been afraid to voice it and experience it. She's so happy to have her life back but has kept the relief hidden, feeling that's what is required of her. Your article was very LIBERATING for her. I simply had to track you down on the Internet and say thank you. You have really shone light on something that has always been there, yet society chooses to keep its head in the sand about.

"Melissa"

To have been there is to have a much better understanding...

After 17 years of nursing my wife (advanced MS), raising two wonderful girls and completing a successful career, it was a great relief when my wife died. She no longer recognized her children. To have been there is to have a much better understanding. Few others really know. Thanks again for saying the unacceptable.

Steve

Your article resonated with me so strongly...

I was flying back home to Colorado Saturday night, having spread my partner's ashes at her childhood home after she passed last week from ovarian cancer. Anita and I had a wonderful life for 25 years, the last 5 involving challenges and joys, as well as unspeakable traumas related to her cancer treatment. Your article resonated with me so strongly and though I don't have a clue about what to do tomorrow, I now know there is not a single reason in the world to feel guilty about sometimes feeling relief. Thank you so much!

Jill

God bless you for your honesty!

What a treasure you are to all of us who've slogged through the guilt of relief at the death of another. I so appreciate people who can call spades spades and free others to do likewise. Bless you on your way!

Karen Armstrong
Registrar's Assistant
Carroll College of Montana
Helena MT

I want to thank you for putting into words the thoughts that I think daily.

My husband of 36 years was diagnosed with colorectal cancer on February 14, 2006 (stage 4). He had surgery to remove the blockage, 3 months of chemo, and in 2 weeks he is having a liver resection to remove 40% of his liver. This operation will give him a 20% chance of living 5 years.

My husband has always been very "into" himself and I have always been the support network. He is loved by many people; less so by those closest to him (his daughters), who can never meet his expectations, etc....no need for me to expand. He has always been somewhat of a hypochondriac, so cancer is the worst possible illness for him.

He continually tells everyone how proud of himself he is that he does not dwell on the illness; but he tells us this 24/7. It is exhausting to be the support person. It is difficult to work on making him feel better and the people who work for/with him feel better, to help bolster our daughters (who are 31 by the way)....there is nothing left for me at the end of the day. No one to make me feel better. People ask me what they can do for me, but I really cannot tell them how I feel.

We are both under 60 years old....not old at all....but a great part of me wants it all to be over so I can move on. I told him when he was diagnosed that I always imagined that he would go by getting hit by a bus or something since he never pays attention to where he is going.....but never imagined that he would have an ongoing illness.

Reading your article has made me feel so much better for having the feelings I am having.

Thank you.
Shelley

Your article gives us permission to talk...

Thank you for the article printed in this week's Newsweek. I have found in my own practice, Home Health Nursing, that many of my clients have relief when a loved one dies after a battle with health issues. When my mother-in-law died, I went through a loss-in-life workshop and realized I had idealized her in many ways. The truth was that she was mean-spirited and it was a relief that we didn't have to cater to her any longer. Gone was the myth to not speak badly about the dead. My own mother seems to have found a new lease on life after my dad passed suddenly several years ago. It is not what she would have wanted, but I see a part of her now that would never have been known if Dad were still alive. Your article gives us permission to talk about this "taboo," and let our clients know that it is normal to feel the relief that comes after a difficult life situation ends with death. I appreciate your candidness about your own loss and where that has taken you.

Sincerely,
Teresa Van de Castle, RNC. BSN, BSBA
Crozet, Virginia

Interesting to know that others feel as I do...

Both of my parents passed away last year and I felt no grief, only relief because of some of the reasons you outlined in the article. I am not ashamed of these feelings and am so blessed to have a therapist who has known me for a long time. Interesting to know that others feel as I do, even though I cannot express my feelings to many others. Jennifer, I also live in MT, in Hamilton. Thank you for writing such an interesting article and thanks for listening.

"Bonnie"